ENOUGH

Being a “Good Enough” Parent

My husband and I have three daughters. Their ages are spread out, so for a few years we had one in high school, one in middle school, and one in elementary school. This made back-to-school time extra challenging with their varied start and dismissal times, supply lists, and vastly different fall clothing needs and styles. Every morning, it seemed there was one shoe missing, one lunch forgotten, or one permission slip turned in late. By the second week of school, the front office attendants knew me by my first name.

One particularly harrowing year, I attended 14 back-to-back teacher conferences. Several of their teachers said, in almost identical language, that my girls were very “self-advocating.” At first, I wasn’t sure how to take this information. It felt a bit like a backhanded compliment.

When I shared my bewilderment about the teachers’ comments with a friend, she recommended I google pediatrician and psychoanalyst Dr. Donald Winnicott. He researched thousands of mothers and their children in the 1950s and realized that children actually benefit when their parents “fail” them in manageable ways (not major failures, of course, such as abuse or neglect). He was the first to proclaim the benefits of being a “good enough” parent for the long-term growth and well-being of our children.

When our babies are infants, we do our best to respond to their every need. As soon as they cry, we rush to snuggle, change, or feed them – offering immediate comfort. Our response at this age is crucial in teaching our children that they are safe and will be cared for. But, of course, this level of attentiveness cannot be sustained, nor should it be, according to Dr. Winnicott’s study. In fact, he said the best thing we can do is slowly become “good enough” parents. In other words, our children actually need us to fail in tolerable ways on a regular basis so they learn to live in an imperfect world.

He states that every time we don’t hear them call us right away, are unable to give them our full attention, feed them a dinner they don’t particularly enjoy, or are unable to attend a concert or game, we are preparing them to accept and function in a world that will quite regularly frustrate and disappoint. Our children learn, through our “failures,” that the world doesn’t revolve around them, that life isn’t always fair, and that they won’t always get their way. But they also learn that despite life’s inevitable disappointments and conflicts, they will still be okay.

Even if it were somehow possible to be the “perfect” parent (whatever that might look like), the end result would be a fragile child unable to cope with even the slightest disappointment. The gift of the “good enough” parent is that perfection is never offered as an option; rather, our children learn to accept, expect, and rise above the challenging experiences of anger, boredom, and sadness. Resilience is the great gift of the “good enough” parent.

Are our children safe, fed, clothed, and loved? Are we getting it right most of the time? If yes, then we need to be gentle with ourselves and trust that when our kids feel annoyed, frustrated, or sad because we have let them down, in those many small moments, they learn that life is hard, that they can feel terrible, and that they will bounce back. Each time we disappoint and they get through it, Dr. Winnicott’s research tells us they will be a little bit stronger for it.

I like Dr. Winnicott. In fact, I’d like to hug him and have him over for dinner.