SUBMIT

Theologian Elizabeth Johnson, CSJ, in her book, She Who Is, writes: 
“The fundamental sin is exploitation, whether it be expressed in the domination of male over female, white over black, rich over poor, strong over weak, armed military over unarmed civilians, human beings over nature.  These abusive patterns interlock because they rest on the same foundation: a structure where an elite insists on its superiority and claims the right to exercise dominative power over all others considered subordinate, for its own benefit.”  



Our God is a God of liberation from all such exploitation.

Today’s unavoidable 2nd reading from St. Paul reminded of the story about a husband who had just finished reading a new book entitled, ‘YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE’.

With determination he marched into the kitchen and announced to his wife, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.”

He continued, “After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me we are going to make mad passionate love. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

The wife replied, “The funeral director would be my first guess.”

I have a real heart for St. Paul. His letters were key to my own conversion and still my very favorite part of the bible, but passages like the ones found in Ephesians 5 where Paul directs that “wives be subordinate to their husbands” push all kinds of personal and emotional buttons in our modern context.

And so Paul is often dismissed as terribly sexist and dubbed by many to be an enemy of women….a male chauvinist pig of the very first order. And truly, the reaction is understandable.

However, if we put his words in historical context, we realize that this passage probably had a very different meaning and effect on his first century audience in Ephesus than it does on us. 

Women in Paul’s day were first and foremost considered as property.  They were baby makers who were thought of as both intellectually and morally incompetent.…women were only slightly more valuable than the family pet and certainly not capable of sustained, meaningful relationship.  They were things to be managed.

It is in this context Paul urges husbands and wives to be subject to one another. That is how this passage from Ephesians begins.  To be subject to one another.   

In the first century Roman Empire there is no question of women being subject to men. Paul is saying that men should also be subject to women.  Only after this mutual subordination is male headship asserted, and even then its interpreted in a very counter-cultural way. 

The husband’s headship is to be modeled on Christ’s love of the church not on the secular idea of lordship… “Jesus came NOT to be served, but to serve” so it is in this sense that the husband is to exercise his headship….Not in domination or superiority but rather in humble service. 

Dr. Richard Gallardetz states “The husband is to be the “first servant of the wife”  The thrust of this text is to ground marriage in mutual fidelity characterized by a love that is understood as a “giving oneself away” to the other.  (A Daring Promise p. 41)   So, at second glance we see that Paul, like Jesus, had a very revolutionary attitude toward women and marriage.

Some would say it is a revolution we have been very slow in supporting, but nonetheless, God continues to call us to new understandings about what it means to be men and women both made in the image of God.

(Rev. Francis Wade writes) “Make no mistake about it, being subject to one another is about how we go about disagreeing. When people agree on something there is no question of being subordinate. It is in our disagreements that we raise the question of how to be subject to one another. It is our good disagreements that make our relationships worthwhile. The call to be subject to one another is a call to do a good job of disagreeing.”

Many of us have grown up with the notion that disagreements are failures. But nothing could be further from the truth.   Frank, honest dialogue, especially on difficult subjects where disagreements abound, are essential to healthy relationships. 

It is in and through our conflicts that we come to a deeper truth, intimacy and true communion with one another.   It is one of the key ways in which we sometimes uncomfortably receive God’s grace….God’s revelation…God’s self communication.

God’s revelation is rarely discovered in isolation….rather truth is unearthed in community….where 2 or more are gathered, God is the stuff, the love, among them…the sinew that holds us together…in our families…in our friendships….in our communities of faith. 

Its not a question of IF, but rather WHEN will conflict arise?  And when it does what will be our response? Being subject to one another is about learning how to resolve disagreements in such a way that the relationship is stronger afterwards than it was before. This is the revolutionary thing that the passage in Ephesians is calling us to do.

An example….If you haven’t noticed low these 14 years, I’m a bit of an “off the chart” extrovert. The two main differences between an introvert and an extrovert, as many of you know, is how we process information and where we get our energy. It is not about being sociable…many introverts are very outgoing and talkative and many extroverts enjoy a good amount of quiet time.

But as an extrovert, I process information as I speak (sometimes I’ll say something aloud and only then will I think, huh…that’s a rather good idea!) As an introvert, my husband thinks a long time and processes inwardly exactly what he wants to say and only then does he offer his thoughts. As an extrovert, I get my energy from being with people.  Being in a crowd or at a party for me is like the kick you would get from a pot of coffee…I come alive. As an introvert, though Kip enjoys being with people, it exhausts him and he needs to have quiet time to restore his depleted energy following a long stretch of being with people.

To compound our differences, I am not a natural listener….and I have the extraordinarily bad habit of interrupting.  I come from a family that you had to fight for the floor if you had something to say. As you might surmise, Kip and I had some communication issues early in our marriage.  Not that we are perfect now, but we are tremendously better, but it only came through repeated honest and difficult disagreement. 

Thankfully, most of our arguments were (and continue to be) rather light fare, involving house keeping habits or organizing our shared space…and of course the arrival of children intensifies all those conflicts with the addition of much more complex household logistics, combined with the new deprivation of sleep, time, sex and money.

This is all to say that when Kip and I would have a disagreement about something as silly as how to load the dishwasher, it would turn into a huge deal because he would say to me “Don’t just wait to talk, listen to what I’m saying” and I would say to him “Don’t retreat and pout in the bedroom, talk to me!”  

But, thankfully, like many married couples, we have learned some very practical tools for appreciating each others differences and our unique ways of perceiving and interacting, and we are both richer for it. Kip has made me a better listener and much more sensitive and aware of those around me who are introverts….which has in turn has made me much better at my work…And arguing with me has helped Kip to not shirk from confrontation but trust in his experience and speak boldly and firmly. 

Also, through years of heated conflict we have finally found our happy medium of being with people and being quiet together at home.   If I had my drothers I’d have a party at our house 3 or 4 times a week.  Kip, not so much.  

And this change has been so beneficial for both of us and our family…I so value that down time at home now, I read more and am more thoughtful and intentional about virtually everything and Kip has grown to enjoy and appreciate time out with people more often than would have been natural for him.

This is all to say, marriage is like putting two jagged rocks into a burlap bag and shaking them for 10, 20, 50 years…through our conflict and rubbing each other wrong our jagged edges become more smooth….

God is present and working with great intensity in our conflicts.  Not just in marriage, but in all our relationships.  With the Vatican and the Women Religious….with Republicans and Democrats….within our families….on our church committees….in our workplaces.  If we can learn some practical skills of communicating and disagreeing in a healthy way, we can all come out better people.

Being subject to one another is about learning how to resolve disagreements in such a way that the relationship is stronger afterwards than it was before.

As the body of Christ, we need to be a model of this good dialogue for our world. ….Revelation is rarely given in isolation, by taking our toys and going home, but rather God’s truth is communicated to us in the burlap bag that we are all thrown into….If we isolate, we stay jagged….if we decide, with gusto and determination to stay, despite the discomfort of the inevitable conflict and go through it rather than avoid it….living out the paschal mystery over and over and over….opening ourselves to be subject to one another as Christ did, dying, and rising to new life….we grow into the fullness of truth…and the kingdom grows.

So how do you think we are doing?  What are our stubborn bits?  Who do we find it hard to listen to?  Who do we tend to demonize?  Where do we not feel heard?  

In closing, let’s take a few moments of quiet prayer and consider some practical steps we can take this week to enter more deeply into holy conversation with one another….

Let us pray….Loving God,

Give us the wisdom and willingness to truly listen to one another

and not avoid the conflicts that are bound to arise among us,

but rather to enter into them with courage and compassion.

Provide us with the grace we need

to humbly surrender ourselves to one another out of reverence for Christ,

not as a doormat willing to withstand abuse,

but rather as a valued child of God who desires connection and growth.

May our strength of character allow us to effectively communicate

without a trace of violence or domination.

We know your ways are not our ways, help us to see and become aware of your presence and beckoning even in times of strife.

With your support, may we speak our truth in love,

with a willingness to bend and grow, offering our very selves to those who travel with us on this often bumpy road. 

Bring us to peaceful resolution and may our relationships truly be a witness of your grace and our calling to be the loving presence of Christ for one another.  May we, as your Church, be a faithful model of honest and compassionate dialogue in our troubled world. 

Give us the knowledge to know what to say,

When to say it, and how to say it with great love

and a genuine concern for the well-being of our companions on this journey, always seeking the common good of all.

We ask all this in the beautiful name of Jesus, our Lord and our God.  Amen.